I’ve been thinking a lot about authenticity recently.
The first thing to say is that it’s a woolly concept. As an individual I am clearly me, and therefore of undisputed origin and not a copy. In common parlance then to be authentic is to be genuine, to be truly what we say we are. The problem with this is that most of us are, in fact, many different people. The person we are with our kids might be different from the person we are with our partner, which might again be different to who we are at work, and we might even be a different person depending on which group of friends we are with.
There’s a tempting notion that the true person sits somehow at the middle of these different external facing people, but if you subscribe to the view, as I do, that we are no more than the sum of our actions, then it follows that we are really just a collection of different people. That’s born out for me by the tension we sometimes feel between our different personas. I often suffer from inner conflict because I genuinely want to do more at home and at Forward Partners, but there’s no time for both. If there was one inner person governing everything then it should be possible to resolve the issue, but I find that when I’m in family mode my desires are different from when I’m in work mode.
All that said I am a firm believer that, generally speaking, if we can be more authentic we will be happier and more effective in our lives. Firstly, from a selfish perspective, maintaining multiple personas is tiring. We constantly have to remember where we are in order to remember how to behave and there’s cross over between the different areas of our lives that threatens to expose the differences. For most people this is a low level stress that’s eminently manageable, but it’s there and it impacts performance. I was discussing authenticity with a friend recently who partly thought of it as being able to say what he genuinely thinks. Many of us censor what we say a lot of the time, and that becomes exhausting after a while.
Secondly, the more authentic we are the easier it is for other people to trust us, making us more effective as friends, partners and leaders. The more knowable we are, the easier it is for people to rely on us, which means they can spend less energy worrying about whether we will do what we say and whether we will look after them.
Bringing this all together, it follows for me that the first key to being authentic is achieving an alignment between our different personas. The more aligned we are the more we have one true self, which makes us more genuine by definition.
However, there is a caveat. If we are successful in achieving an inner alignment, but there’s is a lack of alignment between what I want and what my friends, family or colleagues want, then being true to what I think all the time might make me feel better, but can put a burden on others. In most of our relationships we find a shared space that works for both parties. That space defines what we talk about, the topics we avoid, what we expect of each other, and a whole host of other things. The process of getting to know somebody is in large part a process of defining that shared space. If we unthinkingly change our behaviour to be more authentic then we unthinkingly change that shared space with each of our friends, colleagues and partners. That can be a jarring experience for them and could well be a selfish thing to do. You might be able to think of someone you know who has achieved a good degree of internal alignment but comes across as selfish. I know I can.
Which brings us back to alignment. The journey to authenticity is ultimately a shared journey towards alignment with everyone we share our lives with. Writing that sentence really made the penny drop for me, so I’m going to repeat it. The journey to authenticity is a shared journey towards alignment with everyone who shares our lives. Full alignment with everybody will be out of reach for most people, but the more aligned we can get the more authentic we can be and the better everything will work.
That’s one of the reasons why great leaders place huge stress on aligning their people around a unifying company mission and why many successful couples are aligned that their relationship is the most important thing in their lives. As I think this through we have many tools for building alignment in the work place (vision, mission, company values and OKRs spring to mind) but we don’t have anything comparable for our personal lives. That feels like a gap to me.